As the time in my life came to pass, I became more and more hungry to understand everything; how reality functions, what is GOD and why I am here. I found answers everywhere, but I still was never totally satisfied. I studied Buddhism and Taoism, I read the Torah and some of the Kabbalah, I went back to the Bible (like a good Catholic school boy), I even dabbled in some recreational pharmaceuticals and finally went headlong into Quantum Physics. The answers came to me as quickly as I wanted them and I still felt that there was nothing there for me.
My quest has taken on many directions each bringing me to a new plateau. In my effort to understand consciousness, I came to the understanding that the point where the future becomes history must be experienced. Consciousness is this experiencer. There are three basic apertures of consciousness. 1) Focus - what you put to the attention of the mind, then 2) Awareness - things in your mind that are there unintentionally and thirdly 3) Belief - what you are willing to believe. It all makes sense to me but I am more than this.
My search continued only to find another three parts of me. 1) Who I think I am, 2) How other people see me and 3) How GOD sees me, the truth of what I am. I looked at this like trying to push three shopping carts down an aisle, each affecting the other and difficult to steer the three separately. Then, watching the porter at the local grocery store put one cart inside the next, I realized that in order to find truth, all three views of me needed to be going in the right direction. I had to become the truth of what I am and I found the common denominator in my potential. This is where the three parts of myself become one. The three versions of myself would all be the same as I fulfilled my potential. How do I fulfill my potential?
After seeing how I based my life on what has already happened, I made a dramatic life choice. I am going to follow the foot steps of my future self fulfilling my potential. This new thinking opened a whole new perspective. During this sometimes overwhelming period, I came to realize my purpose. My purpose in life is to bring human awareness to the understanding that there is an alternative to living life in this existence than what we have become accustomed to. This is what I had been doing all along with my art, writing and music, as if I was building a semantic bridge beyond the world of words. My future self fulfilling my potential has always been there. I AM potential. This lead me to new understanding.
I AM whole and perfect, as I was created, but my mind, my ego holds me down in fear, not allowing me to express my wholeness and perfection. 2) Everything that I see, I feel, taste, hear, all that I need, want , hope for, desire, pray for, and all the things I think, remember, dream, etc. Everything that I experience has no value and no meaning... except what i give it... what I choose to give it. 3) There is only one thing that I can be, become, be associated with. It was never given to me and can never be taken away and it's unique to me: It's my perspective from that point at which I say I AM.
Every new conclusion was accompanied by new questions. Who or what is this "I"? Is it the perceiver of experience or the experience of the perceived? I saw the yin and yang of everything. I settled on this as being the structure of reality until I came across an old friend, "nothing". I'm 43 now and its been over 30 years since I first started questioning the universe around me. It's a long time to searching only to discover "nothing". I began seeing the value of NOTHING. It can't be defined or it becomes something. No beginning, no end... No container to be empty... The lack of anything and never having had existed. Everything comes from it, returns to it, and is mostly made of nothing if you look at it from a molecular or atomic perspective. It has no opposite, no shape, no form, no function, no absence. It is what separates us and what we all have in common. NOTHING and LOVE are the only things you can give away and never have less.
Now, everything started coming so fast, but I still wasn't sure of the function of my SELF. What I discovered was that the quality I observed, the value I assigned and the things that I defined were the SELF. The EGO promoted and protected the self by containing the SELF in the illusion of separation. Upon this realization I was overwhelmed with the sense of NOTHING. There is no separation. In my final holding on to my former self, I was afraid to release the fear of letting go.
Emerging, now knowing there is nothing beyond Self, I can see the value, the quality and the things I defined were manifest from nothing. I choose my experience of the manifestation by assigning value, quality and meaning. Pain and unhappiness are now optional. My caterpillar self was now seeing what the butterfly sees as freedom. There is no world!
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Thanks for being here..you have a beautiful energy..
Blessings,
Vesna